the talk really made me realise so much that I didn't before...
and I cried so badly cause it's all because of me
it's been very long since I cried this badly in front of anyone....
I realised we keep quarreling cause I expected too much of him....
like even though we are best friends, cause i really cannot get over him....
I had the expectation that he would treat me better
but he treated me the same as before
and cause I expected too much so I thought he treated me worse then I'll get pissed and annoyed and there's where all the quarrels start
I think I have to really stop talking to him for awhile to get over it...
if not I'll just keep living in a lie I created for myself..
it's like living in self denial forever
I couldn't even get myself to suggest it cause it hurts so much...
it hurts to know that I can very very very possibly just lose him like that
and then I keep crying... cause the thought of losing him is really overwhelming
but I can't go on talking to him everyday like it doesn't affect me at all
and if I don't do it now, I'll be stuck in that position forever...
the position where even though my head knows we're not together but my heart still secretly hopes
it's a fight: head vs heart
I really am already listening to my head but my heart is hurting real bad
I just really really really want to stop the heart....
I really need a timeout ..... just enough for me to get things sorted out cause I evidently didn't before and I thought it was fine until today..
since I'm letting go, it should be complete in case it gets sparked off again
even though I think it still would nonetheless, the month will really help I guess

1:45 AM